Dear Professor, I'm really sorry for missing class today. I took the bus from home as usual, but half way to the school I was feeling so nauseated that I had to get off the bus and wait for my dad to pick me up. I attribute this to the cold I've been dealing with, … Continue reading Dear Professor: What I Can’t Say
I wrote this piece for Young Mormon Feminists but it totally applies to y’all, my original readers. Much love!
In recognition of September being National Suicide Prevention Month
Last year I got this close to killing myself, but I survived.
It hurts to talk, to think about the experience. I went to BYU for a semester and within a few months I was severely depressed—on the brink of suicide. My lifelong perfectionism had finally caught up with me, and it was tightening around my neck in an invisible noose. They were dark times, endless days of pain I can’t even put into words. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to wake up. There was no rest for my soul; not in prayer, in conversation, in closeness. An untouchable emptiness inside me itched constantly. I got headaches from clenching my teeth from anxiety. I moved through the days with a constant wish that a car would flatten me.
I made feeble attempts to live, one of which was joining a BYU therapy…
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The Secret on My Lips I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine and weeks and months dissolve, and when the town’s asleep I tuck myself in bed but the secret on my lips is I can’t sleep It’s morning and I’m tired but empty so I write it out and soon I’ll curl in bed and … Continue reading Poetry Friday: The Secret on My Lips
*trigger warning* Reason$ to Live The old feelings return and my concentrated suffering could kill every light in the city. I can’t even trust the emptiness to stay; abandons me faster than hope and leaves me numb. I can’t even complain because I’ve been worse. Perspective. It’s cheaper to hide than to act; blood flows … Continue reading Poetry Friday: Reason$ to Live
A few months ago I expressed my concern that once my mental health started improving, I wouldn't have anything left to blog about. Now after about a month of slow posting, mostly reblogs and Poetry Fridays, let me say one thing: Mental health is not so bad. I'm no longer desperately clinging to, and then dejectedly hanging … Continue reading Feeling Better Better Better
It happened again today, and all it took were a few clicks of a mouse and a percentage. Shame, rushing through me in a hot wave. I'm suddenly self-conscious. I feel upset. I feel anxious. I feel like a failure. I'm not enough, not good enough, never good enough. I need to apologize for something. … Continue reading Shame On Me
Does anyone else feel like this blog is becoming a personal record of mental illness? Log: had a terrible anxiety attack last night. Repercussions: mental exhaustion and a complete loss of will to socialize/be optimistic. So instead of doing my real job here, I'm going to share with you this clean, vaguely funny post that Allie Brosh wrote … Continue reading Anxiety and a Half