Do It Badly: Baby Steps to Progress

I have the words "do it badly” written on my wrist in blue ink today because I skimmed over an article about anxiety this morning which suggested I make that my motto. Do it badly. My takeaway was, don’t be overcome by your perfectionism and do nothing. Decide that you can fail at what you … Continue reading Do It Badly: Baby Steps to Progress

We’re All a Little Crazy

My anxiety’s not as bad as it used to be, but I know that some of you have it that bad and worse. Hold on. You feel alone but you’re not.

maney smiles back

These are things I tell myself when I feel an anxiety attack coming on, which happens about once on good days.

  • You are invisible. People who look at you can’t really see you.
  • Humans can smell fear. As long as you don’t act afraid, they won’t hurt you.
  • Name off as many words as you can that begin with C but make the S sound. Cistern, circular, celestial…
  • Notice people’s shoes.
  • Count in Binary on your fingers. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
  • Don’t step on the cracks.
  • Sing happy songs. “You Are My Sunshine,” “Danny Boy,” “Into the West,” “If All the Raindrops…”
  • Make believe you’re someone else, someone who’s normal and happy.
  • Hide in the bathroom until your brain stops humming.
  • Crying in bathroom stalls is allowed. Just get quiet when other shoes shuffle inside.
  • Hugging yourself is allowed.
  • Don’t smile unless you want to. They can’t take that…

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Poetry Friday: It’s Not Supposed to Be Funny

It’s Not Supposed to Be Funny It’s not supposed to be funny. It’s cresting again, the dark tide rising inside, and the outlets are closed, rusty, marred by disuse. Black thoughts run free— unwanted, scorned— yet free in my mind. I laugh but only for the fix. The darkness feeds me, grounds me, and the … Continue reading Poetry Friday: It’s Not Supposed to Be Funny

A Short Story: Be Happy

  Be Happy I wrote a quick note and posted it by the kitchen light switch. “Be happy.” I rolled my eyes as I imagined friends and loved ones puzzling over that choice of last words for years after I was gone. Was I being sincere, like I was commanding them to be happy now … Continue reading A Short Story: Be Happy

Current Employment: Failure

I haven't heard back from the interviewer (two days later than she said she'd contact me), and now I'm looking at the possibility of freelance writing jobs. I have never felt so unmotivated to "put myself out there," and yet I have never needed to be out there more. Sigh.

Unemployment, Netflix, and the Postponement of my Childhood Dreams

I had an interview today that didn't go as well as I hoped it would. To be fair, when I shook the interviewer's hand and left her office, I was feeling pretty confident. But it's been about twelve hours since we talked, and in that time I've thought of about a dozen things I wish I had … Continue reading Unemployment, Netflix, and the Postponement of my Childhood Dreams

The Unglamorous Art of Surviving

Dear Reader, You asked how I function; how I get through the day. You asked how long it took for me to accept that my loved one was gone. You asked for advice. Well, here are words: You have recently lost a loved one, and I am so deeply sorry for you. It has been … Continue reading The Unglamorous Art of Surviving