We’re All a Little Crazy

My anxiety’s not as bad as it used to be, but I know that some of you have it that bad and worse. Hold on. You feel alone but you’re not.

maney smiles back

These are things I tell myself when I feel an anxiety attack coming on, which happens about once on good days.

  • You are invisible. People who look at you can’t really see you.
  • Humans can smell fear. As long as you don’t act afraid, they won’t hurt you.
  • Name off as many words as you can that begin with C but make the S sound. Cistern, circular, celestial…
  • Notice people’s shoes.
  • Count in Binary on your fingers. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
  • Don’t step on the cracks.
  • Sing happy songs. “You Are My Sunshine,” “Danny Boy,” “Into the West,” “If All the Raindrops…”
  • Make believe you’re someone else, someone who’s normal and happy.
  • Hide in the bathroom until your brain stops humming.
  • Crying in bathroom stalls is allowed. Just get quiet when other shoes shuffle inside.
  • Hugging yourself is allowed.
  • Don’t smile unless you want to. They can’t take that…

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Here’s Looking at You, Hope

Here's to crying yourself to sleep with the Finding Nemo theme playing, grounding you in unreachable hope. Here's to sleeping in out of fear of depression, only to realize that the day is bright and full of hope, and you feel better. Dear readers, don't you ever give up. Life seems like too great a … Continue reading Here’s Looking at You, Hope

Poetry Friday: Late Night Poetry

Late Night Poetry Late night poetry up with the full moon quite house, quiet girl so self-absorbed so lost in worries lonely lover, little girl with a lover far away one room lit in a dark house wide eye stares in the night window to a soul heavy with life little girl lies in darkness, … Continue reading Poetry Friday: Late Night Poetry

Poetry Friday: Taking Notes in English

Taking Notes in English They said they liked high school fine, and at least no one died while they were there. My insides clenched and I thought of you, Andrew. Dead dead dead, kick the stone all you want but he can’t feel a thing. Cut me open, display my insides to the ceiling, snip … Continue reading Poetry Friday: Taking Notes in English

Poetry Friday: Empty

Empty Picture frame, lifeless shell without a name. All your friends look just the same. Blank. Crystal vase, simple curves and heavy base. Flowerless, you hide your face. Hollow. Diamond ring, round a finger you would cling. Unworn, you don’t mean a thing. Abandoned.

get real

Another post I wrote for YMF. Listen, believe, and love, y’all.

Young Mormon Feminists

trigger warning: sexual assault and suicide

Sometimes I can wrap up ugly pieces of the world in pretty bows. I find my needed peace in my Savior, my faith, and my family.

But sometimes, sometimes, peace is less important than reality.

Sometimes the voices crying from the darkness are more important than the voices comforting us with light.

We need someone to hear us.

Just listen to us.

Just believe that there is real horror out there.

Our nightmares are reality.

We are helpless.

We are hopeless.

We are alone.

All around is darkness.

The pain in unending.

The hurt knows no bounds.

THERE IS NO PEACE TO BE FOUND.

Just believe us, okay?

* * *

Humans who feel like this, my stomach is in knots over you. I love you all. Please seek support if you can. Below are two hotlines for you to call if you need…

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Poetry Friday: The Blue-Gray Dome

The Blue-Gray Dome I misplaced myself a little while, lay on the balcony with a jean quilt looking at the stars. The blue-gray sky domed over me, draped over the mountains and the city. Dewdrops hung from invisible strings and crickets sang a chorus of night, a song to carry my soul to sleep in … Continue reading Poetry Friday: The Blue-Gray Dome