Hope: I Am Enough

I don’t know if anyone else is like me, but I have problems.

Looking at Facebook, is sometimes seems like I’m the only one. But I don’t post every time I have a bad day, and I guess neither do you.

What I don’t post are days that I cry solely because my brain chemicals are imbalanced. I don’t Facebook that my husband and I already have recurring issues and arguments, something I don’t think people expect from newlyweds. You won’t find my internal battle on your home page, the “I feel fat fat FAT” versus the “I am beautiful no matter what!” All that and more, and you’ll never see a word of it (unless you read this blog, because yeah).

I have problems, and I am growing up. My birthday is coming up pretty soon, as well as the new year. Usually everyone’s gaze turns forward to anticipate the changes that the new year will bring. But right now, I’m looking inward.

Depression does this stupid thing where it robs me of energy plus any hope for the future. And I fall victim to this kind of thought pattern, letting it follow me into days when I would otherwise feel fine. I forget that I’m in my early twenties with most of my life ahead of me. I am a glowing starball of potential, but I forget, and I lose that hope.

So today I am most grateful for the desire to improve, albeit steadily. Although I still have problems and make mistakes it feels like every other minute, I hope I will not lose sight of my current infinite worth and my greater potential. Because remember, you do not decide your worth. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you and believe in you and you belong to them, so you are of infinite worth. At the same time, you can keep improving every day because everyone can learn to live and love better.

This is what hope is to me: Knowing I am good enough, and then trying to be better.

It’s hard, but I try when I can.

 

 

President Drumpf

I didn’t want Drumpf to win but he did.

That night it felt like someone had died. I have received that news late at night before, and it felt similar. About all I could do was get into bed and hope that it was a bad dream.

It wasn’t.

But I’ve been lucky. I’ve been able to hide in our apartment for the most part. Kinda readjusting to this world. Facebook has fifty thousand opinions on how I should be feeling or behaving, but none of them really fit my current internal reality. So I don’t listen to any of the advice.

God has blessed me with an illness for the past few days, so I’ve been distracted by feeling physically miserable and tired. It’s better than thinking hard about disappointment, acceptance, action. “Drink liquids, Maney,” I tell myself. “Get rest. The election results aren’t as immediate and critical as your physical health.”

So that’s been nice.

For those of you who are happy about the results, that is awesome. For those are you who are sad about the results, that sucks. I’m in the sad group. I was really excited to have a female president as cool as Hillary Clinton. :/

The most important thing is for you to take care of yourself. I feel like a lot of my readers are in the mental illness club. There are plus sides of course, like increased empathy, but the down sides can include terrible things like depression and suicide.

I love you all and I want all of you to be safe. Take care of yourself if you are having a hard time right now, whether or not it is related to the election. Talk to someone. Take a break from reality. Eat a PB&J sandwich. Whatever you need to do to feel safe and loved, do it. And if you don’t feel safe and loved, I’m so sorry. Just know that I love you.

Peace, love, etc.

contact

Hello! I’ve made a contact page.

Go ahead and email me with questions, personal stories, post suggestions, topics to cover, or nonsense like that.

ldsgirlo@hotmail.com

Context: I got this email when I was like twelve and it has brought me some embarrassment over my life, especially with job applications. I’ve made new ones, better ones, and now I use this one for newsletters, spam, subscriptions, and stuff like that. So naturally I’m offering this crappy email address to my beloved readers. Never fear, though: I’ll get notifications on my phone and definitely read what you send.

Maybe Jesus Was a Lousy Carpenter

I like the parallels drawn in this.

Must Be This Tall To Ride

bad fence “Thanks for building our fence, Jesus. We promise to leave you a fair review on the Angie’s List bulletin board next time we’re in town.” (Image/Home Services by Gary) I don’t know whether things like building inspectors or mechanisms for people to leave positive andnegative customer reviews existed in the Middle East 2,000 years ago.

But maybe in the Nazareth town square there was a bulletin board of some kind where townspeople could leave reviews.

“Ezekiel the shepherd did an amazing job! He took our goats and pigs from Town A to Town B in just a few weeks’ time and he only ate three of our goats to survive! If you need a shepherd/goat herder for a cross-country flock transfer, Zeke’s totally your guy!”

Or maybe.

“We hired Ishmael to help us harvest figs and grapes. He was the absolute worst. He showed up late every day, collected the…

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A Quick Blog Insider

Hello, I am planning on revamping this blog soon. Smiling picture (seems appropriate, right?), adding contact information, changing the Facebook page a bit, reblogging old posts. You know why? Because I am wondering whether this blog is ever going to earn me some kind of income or fame (tbh that would be nice), and I figure that means I need to give it some TLC. Hope you are all okay that I plan on selling out as soon as I possibly can. But don’t worry, there is basically no chance that I will ever get that opportunity. So don’t abandon all respect for me yet.

Poetry Friday: It’s Not Supposed to Be Funny

It’s Not Supposed to Be Funny

It’s not supposed to be funny.

It’s cresting again,
the dark tide rising inside,
and the outlets are closed, rusty,
marred by disuse.

Black thoughts run free—
unwanted, scorned—
yet free in my mind.

I laugh but only for the fix.

The darkness feeds me,
grounds me,
and the mystery inside
finds voice to paint the
summer air with howling cries and sobs,
abandoned under
flower print covers,
latching to loneliness
like a starving babe.

It is late but technically still Friday where I live so I’m posting this Poetry Friday! I recently found this poem in a stack of my old papers from July. At first I thought it was really confusing and pretentious, but I had a good time trying to decode its meaning. Now I just think it’s pretentious. Enjoy!

5 Reminders For Anyone Who’s Depressed

If you struggle with depression, READ THIS. It’s perf.
Love you all. ❤

Let's Queer Things Up!

I’m a little over two weeks into a depressive episode. According to my therapist, anyway. I’ve been a human slug, inching my way around my apartment, dramatically sighing and eating microwave meals and watching the dishes stack up in the sink.

You know the deal.

This, just two months after being hospitalized (can I just catch a break?). You’d think that all the intensive therapies, support groups, medication changes, and workbooks would have prevented this. But alas, here I am – sometimes depression manages to get a foot in the door despite your best efforts.

Sometimes when I’m entering into a depressive episode, I like to write down reminders that I want to hold onto as I go through it. They can be affirmations, reality checks, or words of wisdom.

Anything, really, to keep some perspective when I’m dealing with my episode. I try to write down the words I think…

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