Today, for the first time in months, I went jogging. To be clear, I really dislike jogging. And yet, jog I did. It took three different realizations to motivate me to make the decision to do it, and I'd like to share them with you here. Who knows? Maybe my experience could help you. Number … Continue reading Three Tips for Goal Achievement: Lessons in Jogging
I have the words "do it badly” written on my wrist in blue ink today because I skimmed over an article about anxiety this morning which suggested I make that my motto. Do it badly. My takeaway was, don’t be overcome by your perfectionism and do nothing. Decide that you can fail at what you … Continue reading Do It Badly: Baby Steps to Progress
I wrote this piece for Young Mormon Feminists but it totally applies to y’all, my original readers. Much love!
In recognition of September being National Suicide Prevention Month
Last year I got this close to killing myself, but I survived.
It hurts to talk, to think about the experience. I went to BYU for a semester and within a few months I was severely depressed—on the brink of suicide. My lifelong perfectionism had finally caught up with me, and it was tightening around my neck in an invisible noose. They were dark times, endless days of pain I can’t even put into words. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to wake up. There was no rest for my soul; not in prayer, in conversation, in closeness. An untouchable emptiness inside me itched constantly. I got headaches from clenching my teeth from anxiety. I moved through the days with a constant wish that a car would flatten me.
I made feeble attempts to live, one of which was joining a BYU therapy…
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There are a lot of words inside me lately, all swirling in my brain and confused about how to get out. The summer is winding down and I'm looking forward to starting Fall 2015 semester soon. This summer ends along with the hope of a new relationship: someone I love decided I wasn't for him. It … Continue reading Moving On
A few months ago I expressed my concern that once my mental health started improving, I wouldn't have anything left to blog about. Now after about a month of slow posting, mostly reblogs and Poetry Fridays, let me say one thing: Mental health is not so bad. I'm no longer desperately clinging to, and then dejectedly hanging … Continue reading Feeling Better Better Better
I started this blog one year ago on the sixteenth. Some of you may have wondered why this blog is called "maney smiles back." Happy one year anniversary, folks. Here's the story: (Quick background: my siblings have called me Maney for years. I think it started in teasing: "Mane-again is a pain-again;" or maybe that stemmed from the nickname. … Continue reading Why I Am Maney
My counselor recently grilled me on how I need to be proud of myself and my life. She tried to get me to own up to all these supposedly good things about me, but it was so hard. This round, my depression has made me feel worthless. And since I just realized that that is a problem, I've … Continue reading Pride