Today, for the first time in months, I went jogging. To be clear, I really dislike jogging. And yet, jog I did. It took three different realizations to motivate me to make the decision to do it, and I'd like to share them with you here. Who knows? Maybe my experience could help you. Number … Continue reading Three Tips for Goal Achievement: Lessons in Jogging
I have the words "do it badly” written on my wrist in blue ink today because I skimmed over an article about anxiety this morning which suggested I make that my motto. Do it badly. My takeaway was, don’t be overcome by your perfectionism and do nothing. Decide that you can fail at what you … Continue reading Do It Badly: Baby Steps to Progress
I never feel quite as alive as when I'm being rebuked for something. It's like all of my blood freezes in place; my breathing shallow; my eyes wide and nearly watering. (It's awful.) Truly, every other moment in life is blissful dreams compared to how a perfectionist feels when being asked to improve. The problem this … Continue reading Lesson Learned
I'm gone for a month and WordPress has already changed? Seriously? So this is what has been happening: I've been unduly anxious (I know you're all so shocked), mostly because I've been agonizing over complicated life crap, such as thinking of my future, certain church policy changes recently made public, and other such magical events. Not to … Continue reading Stay, life. Staaay… Good life!
I wrote this piece for Young Mormon Feminists but it totally applies to y’all, my original readers. Much love!
In recognition of September being National Suicide Prevention Month
Last year I got this close to killing myself, but I survived.
It hurts to talk, to think about the experience. I went to BYU for a semester and within a few months I was severely depressed—on the brink of suicide. My lifelong perfectionism had finally caught up with me, and it was tightening around my neck in an invisible noose. They were dark times, endless days of pain I can’t even put into words. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to wake up. There was no rest for my soul; not in prayer, in conversation, in closeness. An untouchable emptiness inside me itched constantly. I got headaches from clenching my teeth from anxiety. I moved through the days with a constant wish that a car would flatten me.
I made feeble attempts to live, one of which was joining a BYU therapy…
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There are a lot of words inside me lately, all swirling in my brain and confused about how to get out. The summer is winding down and I'm looking forward to starting Fall 2015 semester soon. This summer ends along with the hope of a new relationship: someone I love decided I wasn't for him. It … Continue reading Moving On
A girl likes a boy, and sometimes loves him. She gets on fine without him for many years. They keep in contact and make each other laugh. She misses him often but it gets better with time. She grows up and learns about herself and the world. She feels her heart expanding past the boy … Continue reading I’ll Be Okay