I recently found this post in my old drafts. I don’t remember why I wrote it, but I like it.
It depends on the day how I feel about us; about you. There are so many secret complications, internal struggles, that it’s enough to make it all not worth it.
Can I trust you? Can you trust me?
Can I trust that the future will be better than today?
If I need to vent or cry or worry, will my words reach your heart? I have darkness inside me, you know, black and heaving and hungry and cold. Maybe I will never lose it.
Can you love the darkness in me? Can you love my sadness and my pain? Can you accept the ugliness, or when I feel ugly? Can you accept my beauty, even when I see it clearer than you?
My mind is a mess of mistrust. I know what you want me to feel but you have to understand, lots of times I can’t or won’t. This is reality. This is me right now. I can see so much of myself that you will never understand or appreciate, not the way things are right now.
I bottle my emotions. I splatter my emotions across the pavement, bright and wide and red enough for helicopters to see.
I am tame, quiet, so soft and meek. I am wild, annoying, prickly and harsh.
I doubt you can handle me.
I don’t know if I will keep you.