When I started this blog, most of what I wrote about depression was just memory. I didn’t expect to blog while depressed, while suicidal. But it happened so I guess we carry on. Maybe this is more authentic anyway–you get to see my mood changing from day to day.
Last week at group therapy I told them I had seriously considered killing myself over the weekend. I wanted them to leave me alone after that, but they pestered me for probably half an hour about how that wasn’t okay, and why I mattered to them, and that I needed to get help. I cried. I fought back. And when I left school, I almost got hit by a car while running to the bus. The bus driver said something like,
“My bus isn’t as important as your life.”
I said quietly, “That’s debatable.”
And he pestered me, too!
But I’m glad they called me out in my self-harm thoughts. Because that night, after crying for most of the bus ride to my house, I decided I needed to skip college for the rest of the week, go home and figure out how to get better. My parents have been so supportive and totally nonjudgmental. I went and saw my previous counselor and she suggested an increase in medication and other things to help me feel less isolated and depressed.
So this post is dedicated to Thursday night when I lay in my bed deciding whether or not to tell my parents I felt suicidal at that moment, but ended up just falling asleep because I was so tired. Here’s to the moment when Dear Prudence came on my iPod and told me that I am beautiful and sometimes we just have to take life slow. And in case anyone else out there wants to die right now, please hold on, if only because I’m holding on, too.
Dear Prudence, open up your eyes.
Dear Prudence, see the sunny skies.
The wind is low, the birds will sing
that you are part of everything.
Dear Prudence, won’t you open up your eyes?