Another Tunnel

I’ve noticed that a lot of people I follow on WordPress are human. This sounds stupid but whatever. Lots of them tell stories about stuff that recently happened in their lives, or stuff that they’re just getting over and they want to share. Sometimes they take breaks from their blogging and it further reinforces in my mind the reality of them. I’m human, too.

School just started. I’m taking a class in my major which is basically an intro to editing. (I’m too lazy to find its actual title.) My professor seems intent on making us not just intuitive about how to use the English language, but also way more knowledgeable about why we do what we do. I’m cool with that… but sometimes I just want to say, “Okay, lady, I respect that this is your interest, your passion, your job. However, I do not really care what other people do with their words. Live and let live or something.”

Caring for things is kind of an issue for me. I guess when I’m in my best state of mind, I can manage a healthy amount of caring. But when I’m depressed or anxious, suddenly I do not care at all about anything, or I care so much about something that it becomes debilitating.

So, team, remember when I got off my pills? Was so healthy? Had magical things to say about how far I’d come? It all seems kind of annoying now.

I don’t know what to say except today I am home with my family. Yesterday hit me like a bullet in the back, Florence. Some kind of circuit blew in my brain, I think, possibly from trying to feel okay for so long without anything real to prove I should feel that way. You people with depression, you get it. It doesn’t matter how great your life is; the good things don’t compute. Lots of tears yesterday and then a car ride.

I feel kind of numb. But also not really. Like I have this tiny, almost imperceptible humming in my bones that says I am not quite normal. But I can’t tell if I’m above or below what I usually cope with. It’s confusing. It’s embarrassing. It’s real.

So I guess I can’t summon up my usual nugget of wisdom this week. Just know that I’m human. And for those of you who agree with my family, you will like this song: “I and Love and You” by The Avett Brothers. It kind of resonates in me as something that I don’t have to care about in order to love. It’s safe, this song. Safer than loving life or people or whatever. A song is okay.

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