It was two days ago that the darkness filled my mind like it used to. I don’t know why it came; to me, despite a few recent changes in my life, it seemed a little over-the-top depressive. You remember the old problems: all my nerve ablaze; my whole being buzzing like I don’t know what; that craving for self-harm; possibly for everything to be over. #notpretty
Parents gave advice. Family provided wallow food. Friends offered laughter. I kind of skated over the problem until yesterday, when my cousin mentioned that she hadn’t been to the temple in a while, and would I like to go?
(If you’re not familiar with LDS (Mormon) temples, here is a snippet about their use from my church’s website.
And now, my dear Reader, I feel better. Whatever demon was plaguing me, it seems to have vanished since I went and served in “the mountain of the Lord” (Isaiah 2:2-3).
Sometimes I feel like I am two people. On the one hand, I’m this church-going, Jesus-Christ-loving, funeral-potatoes-making “Molly Mormon.” And on the other hand, I am this tough, anxious, dark, depressed-but-still-fighting, sometimes-suicidal “Maney” who likes to write about her issues and share them with the world. And I don’t know for sure, Reader, but I wonder: perhaps I am both? Perhaps these two pieces of me can and do exist harmoniously within my soul. I mean, not harmoniously. Sometimes it’s hard to be a good Mormon girl when I would rather punch people in the face than serve them.
I believe that Jesus Christ loves me. And I believe He knows my mental capabilities, which directly affect how I think and how I choose to live. And I believe He wants me to come to Him–not because I’m perfect and I’m ready to meet Him as an equal, but because I am constantly struggling and in pain and in search of peace, and I need His love, His acceptance, His Atonement. So, Reader, what I’m trying to say is, don’t give up on yourself just because you feel less than those around you. I believe Christ knows you, He loves you, and He wants to bless you.
Just go to Him, okay?
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This is a cover of Chris Tomlin’s song “I Will Rise.” (Which, by the way, is SO beautiful. Thank you, Chris, for this gorgeous hymn.) The cover is by Alex Boye and I think a choir at Brigham Young University. It just inspires me.