Not Knowing, Just Hoping

You guys know that I started coming off my happy pills a few weeks ago. (I only have about a week to go and then I’m done.) It’s been kind of frightening; I was so afraid that I would sink back into that dark, numb place again, which would mean that I would have to take pills for possibly the rest of my life. And I’ve also been wondering a lot lately if I will forget what it’s like to be depressed. And am I still clinically depressed? Should I still label myself that if I graduated from taking happy pills?

Well, I got one answer today in the shower. My grandpa came over this morning to fix a leaky faucet and he left a few of his tools around the bathroom. I turned around in the shower to grab the shampoo and there it was: a large red razor with the rusty blade exposed. My heart skipped a beat, I think, as I picked it up to get a closer look, squinting because I wasn’t wearing contacts. I remembered how I purposely ignored the disposable shaving razors during those hard times. And in that instant, as I retracted the blade and returned it to the shelf, I realized that yes, I will probably remember what it’s like to be depressed.

I think I’ll always remember.

And that is my blessing. Because while I remembered all those times the razors seemed so tempting–and just those flimsy shaving types, not even the real deal–I also remembered the strength it took to put suicidal thoughts out of my mind. I remembered that I am strong. I realized that the habit of living that I have developed will help me in the future on days when even to live is an act of courage.

I’m no hero. I’m probably not even as strong as I give myself credit for. But I have been “just enough” for so long that now it is a habit. Dealing with dark thoughts has become easier. And on bad days, I remind myself what my counselor loves to say:

“I am, in and of myself, of infinite worth and good enough.”

And so are you.

I think this is going to be my last post for a while. I finished classes at the end of April and now I have some free time to reevaluate who I am and what I want to do with my life. We both know that I want to be a writer. And as much as I love blogging, I think I need to go back to novel writing until Fall semester starts. Of course, I might not even return to this blog; who knows? That’s the beauty of life: not knowing, just hoping. And I hope to see you all again soon.

Credits

So this is real: I would never be the person I am without the people I’ve known over my lifetime. Some examples are my parents, my teachers, my best friends, and my enemies. And ever since I posted that video of my brother’s band, I feel like, what if I could post a couple more videos from my friends? Kind of give credit where credit is due. Because honestly, reader, if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably not on here to witness my amazing literary prowess. You’re probably still reading this because you like knowing that there is in fact a human out there named Maney who is just surviving day by day, much like you. Therefore, I ask you to support some other awesome humans out there and watch as least one of the following videos. (These are three of my good friends.)

Keep being cool, and again I implore, keep creating art!

TransparentClouds

“Girl on Fire” (Four minute classy music video of Alicia Keys’ song “Girl on Fire.”)

“Brave” (Four minute music video of four Mormon chicks getting their brave on with “Brave” by Sara Bareilles.)

James S

“Chase Playing Fetch” (Three minutes of an adorable game of fetch between a dog and his human companion.)

Jessica Jenson

“Africano” (Seven minutes of gorgeous percussion on (I believe) a marimba.)

Bonus Material:

Now, if you’re really serious about having a good time watching amateur film-making, you should invest an hour or so watching these hilariously unprofessional movies by TransparentClouds. Remember, though, that this gorgeous girl is currently serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, so she won’t be making any more videos for another year or so.

“Infected Movie” (Thirty minutes of a well-meaning doctor dealing with a zombie epidemic of his own creation.)

“Falcon’s Kill” (Fifty-eight minutes of a thrill-packed romantic/spy/action movie.)

Queen of Non Sequitur

All the things are screaming I am important pay attention to me listen listen listen!!

I am shouting leave me alone! Leave me! Augh!

The FAFSA is shouting I need you to fill me out! The dinner shouts put me in the fridge! The missionaries shout you need to write us!

Shut up shut up augh!! I need to just concentrate on one thing please! Let me just focus on this breathing motion!

No no no! Worry about scholarships! Worry about your family! Worry about your chores! Worry about your friends your pills your sleeping pattern!

No I won’t worry! I’ll stay up until three not worrying! I’ll watch Invader Zim and pretend that I don’t have problems! Too, too many exclamation points in one post, in one brain. I’m going to snap, going to snap, going to–

Go jogging! they shout. Eat veggies and listen to Enya and remember to be positive!

Shut up I’ll do what I want! Ahhhhhhh!!!

*     *     *

Silence falls and I remember that these voices are just echoes–I’m the only one talking. Maney, you tell the worries to shut up and then you keep worrying. Huh.

That actually felt really good to type out, like releasing my worries about worrying into the void. I also feel bad though, because I usually try to end these with a gold nugget of moral wisdom. But you know, life doesn’t always feel like every situation ties up neatly with a classy bow. Sometimes–acutally, usually–life feels like a crazy mess that we’re stumbling through with our eyes closed. And you know what? I think it’s okay.

So here’s one of my favorite songs (“Video Killed the Radio Star”) covered by Danger Button, a band that’s quite close to my heart. They broke up about a month ago so this doesn’t qualify as a shameless plug, since they won’t profit from your fandom. My brother’s the one on the bass. I share this song with you not because it’s relevant to life or this blog or anything, but because it makes me happy, and I’m coming off my pills and I’m still happy, and life is beautiful, dang it.

Oh, here comes the moral nugget… Go be happy, you reader, you! You don’t need a reason or a motto or anything. Just let it happen, dear.