Thirteen months ago, give or take a few weeks, I started taking happy pills to deal with the all-encompassing depression that had entered into my daily life. I remember how hard it was at the beginning. The pills made me really nauseous so I didn’t want to eat anything, which made me lose several pounds in just a few days. Then the nausea caused me to grind my teeth a lot, which gave me a constant headache. And then there was the overall trauma that yes, I, Maney, was actually taking happy pills. It was kind of disconcerting for a small, helpless human of my age. Like, what have I done to deserve needing these? I felt like the universe had played some kind of terrible trick on me.
“Go on, Maney, make friends and fall in love, and just when things start looking up, say goodbye to those you love the most. Also, mental illness runs in your family. Buckle up.”
I’m not saying that these feelings were good or bad, just that that was how I felt. It was hard.
And here I am, thirteen months later, and I’ve just started working off of my pills. Wow, I feel like this has been such an uphill climb, and I’m finally at the top and can start the somewhat easier trek back down to whatever’s waiting for me at the bottom. It took so much of my heart and soul to become emotionally stable enough to reach this point. I’ve had to jump through so many of my sweet counselor’s hoops so she and I both felt like I would be ready to come off and stay off.
So the main point of this post is, I guess I don’t know what’s going on in your life, reader. Maybe you’re climbing that mountain to accomplish something really important to you, like receiving a college degree, figuring out your place in this world, or getting off your happy pills. Or maybe you’re at the summit or walking down, marveling that you were able to achieve your dream. But no matter where you are, I hope you can see beauty, and hope, and the hand of God in your life. No matter how lonely or hopeless I felt this past year and before, I always knew deep in my heart that I wasn’t alone. And neither are you.
As an added bonus, here is a beautiful video a friend of mine posted on Facebook last week, and it really touched me. It reminded me that there is so much beauty in the world, and we have to keep looking for it. After all, if you and I don’t, then how can we be sure anyone will?
P.S. It’s a couple dancing in the wilderness. Maybe not your style–I respect that. Have you seen anything beautiful lately? I’d love to see or hear about it.