Stray Longing

If I could tell you one thing, it’s that I’ll never stop thinking about you.  I’ve memorized your face a thousand times in my dreams. Straight nose, blond hair, turquoise blue, gorgeous eyes. Always taller than I think you are. Never quite fully mature, because you died before you could reach that point. But your eyes were mature–and maybe that somehow made up for the years you missed.

I would say to you that you’ll never die, never, not really, because you’ll always be in my mind and my heart, telling me it’s okay to blow my nose in public, or that being “uncool” is probably the coolest thing I’ll ever be. I’d wrap you in my arms, or maybe punch you first (because I always told you I’d punch you if you ever died, never really thinking it would happen), and I’d tell you that you’ve changed my life forever, and I love you, and I’ll never stop missing you, not really. And every time I dream I’m in high school, or in marching band, or hanging out with our friends, I’ll always wake up with that big, best-friend-shaped hole in my heart, whether I burst into sobs or smile because I’m so grateful my unconscious remembers your face so well.

I believe you’re alive still in a different place, and therefore the part of my heart you took is still alive somewhere, somewhere I don’t remember, somewhere I hope to return to again. So, anyway, I love you. And in your own words, “Have a great life.”

P.S. You should know that I’ll never come up with the right words to explain what we had, how I feel, and everything. But you know, I try.

Karma (or what I consider Good Consequences)

The most important moment of the day is when we fall asleep. During the day, we get so many options, right from the moment we open our eyes. For me, it’s choices like what to wear, what to eat for breakfast, whether to take this or that bus, whether to go to school, who to sit by in classes, whether to get a drink in this or that fountain, whether to stay after and study, la la la, you get the drift. But that’s only on normal days! I could randomly wake up one day and drive to Houston. Or, I don’t know, quit school and start training for the military. Or get in contact with an old high school friend.

I hope I’ve established that we have a lot of choices throughout the day. And I’ll admit, I tend to make choices that give me more choices: save money, go to school, obey the Word of Wisdom (my church’s health and wellness law), be nice, etc. But let’s talk about you. Let’s just say that one day you decide to break out of your normal routine and just drive and drive away from home on the highway. And after seeing some sights, and maybe meeting some new people, the sun goes down and the sky becomes dark. You decide you need to find yourself a motel or something, since it’s too late to drive home. You get ready for bed  and crawl into the covers in the cigarette-smelling motel room, wondering maybe who else has slept in this bed, and feeling a vague sense of being quite estranged from everything you care about, and eventually falling asleep. Hypothetically.

I posit that this moment, this settling down into the choices one has made over the day and deciding, “Well, I’m too exhausted to do anything else, so if anybody Up There cares, you just have to take the things I’ve done and deal with them,” is the most important moment of the day. It is the summation. The climax. Despite what most people think, that by the time you’ve gotten ready for bed  you have passed that vital moment of the day, this is when you accept the day as done and allow yourself to rest. And not only is that infinitely beautiful and poetic, I believe it also has eternal spiritual significance.

Death comes from life. Night comes from day. End comes after beginning. (Haha, this sounds like a cheesy poem, hey.) I believe there is a God, and that He knows me by name. So when I fall asleep, I do so knowing that He knows and cares that I’ve done the best I can over the day, and He is (I pray) proud of me. SO, bringing this random tangent of a post full circle, I’m glad that I make the choices I make. I’m glad I go to school, and spend time with my family, and try (and usually fail) to be a good person, and so on, because when I fall asleep at night, I feel like I am at peace with our Heavenly Father. And that’s probably the best feeling in the world.