We’re All a Little Crazy

My anxiety’s not as bad as it used to be, but I know that some of you have it that bad and worse. Hold on. You feel alone but you’re not.

maney smiles back

These are things I tell myself when I feel an anxiety attack coming on, which happens about once on good days.

  • You are invisible. People who look at you can’t really see you.
  • Humans can smell fear. As long as you don’t act afraid, they won’t hurt you.
  • Name off as many words as you can that begin with C but make the S sound. Cistern, circular, celestial…
  • Notice people’s shoes.
  • Count in Binary on your fingers. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
  • Don’t step on the cracks.
  • Sing happy songs. “You Are My Sunshine,” “Danny Boy,” “Into the West,” “If All the Raindrops…”
  • Make believe you’re someone else, someone who’s normal and happy.
  • Hide in the bathroom until your brain stops humming.
  • Crying in bathroom stalls is allowed. Just get quiet when other shoes shuffle inside.
  • Hugging yourself is allowed.
  • Don’t smile unless you want to. They can’t take that…

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Here’s Looking at You, Hope

Here's to crying yourself to sleep with the Finding Nemo theme playing, grounding you in unreachable hope. Here's to sleeping in out of fear of depression, only to realize that the day is bright and full of hope, and you feel better. Dear readers, don't you ever give up. Life seems like too great a … Continue reading Here’s Looking at You, Hope

Poetry Friday: Doubt

I recently found this post in my old drafts. I don't remember why I wrote it, but I like it. Doubt It depends on the day how I feel about us; about you. There are so many secret complications, internal struggles, that it's enough to make it all not worth it. Can I trust you? … Continue reading Poetry Friday: Doubt

Lesson Learned

I never feel quite as alive as when I'm being rebuked for something. It's like all of my blood freezes in place; my breathing shallow; my eyes wide and nearly watering. (It's awful.) Truly, every other moment in life is blissful dreams compared to how a perfectionist feels when being asked to improve. The problem this … Continue reading Lesson Learned

S-A-F-E-T-Y Nap

That moment when it is amazing weather in February and all the neighborhood kids and moms are playing outside but you have a cold and your head had been hurting for hours and all food tastes like dirt and you can't muster the courage to enjoy the day because of course you are still depressed … Continue reading S-A-F-E-T-Y Nap

Understanding Amidst Conflict

So vulnerable, so true. Love is something I personally need to focus on when dealing with differing political opinions.

practicalmormon

Politics has this subtly unnerving way of creating conflict in otherwise peaceful relationships. Over this last election, I developed this horrible habit where I would unconsciously categorize people in my head based on how much their political views agreed with my own. As my daily conversations with people inevitably turned to politics, I would closely watch for how people reacted to the mention of certain political ideas and take note of it as a key factor in how I saw them as a person and how I viewed our relationship as friends, family or classmates. Even when I outwardly put up a cordial front when people expressed political views that I disagree with, inwardly I would unconsciously make a mental note to think less of the person and, in certain instances, try and limit contact with them. It was as if I thought of my own point of view as…

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Streams of Mercy

The snow has been coming and going. Mostly coming. I haven't written you for a long while and I'm sorry. Not because I think you have suffered at all from my lack of correspondence, but because I look over the last few empty months and realize I didn't write about anything I've been through. I … Continue reading Streams of Mercy